


i cant walk on the path of the right, because im wrong

by homobirb



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, POV Second Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25636894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homobirb/pseuds/homobirb
Summary: Was it worth it? Leaving with only one body underground, and returning with another? Leaving a trail of blood and death and destruction in your wake, acting as the judge, jury, and executioner for any that dared to cross your path? The blood will never wash from your hands. The memories will continue to haunt you.[Spoilers for the entirety of TLOU2]
Kudos: 9





	i cant walk on the path of the right, because im wrong

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from [the tlou2 cover of through the valley by shawn james, covered by ashley johnson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SSoLOSdLEM)
> 
> i uh wrote this while playing the game and shortly after, and then it sat in my drafts for a month. definitely different from my normal writing style, but that game left me in a mood and thus this was created

These horrors have no escape. Reality, memories, they haunt you like ghosts. What your psuedo-adoptive father did, haunts you. Your revenge, and the quest for it, haunts you.

You've always looked up to Joel. He wasn't always right, and crossed a hell of a lot of people. But he did it all to save you. Do you forgive him, now that he's gone?

And when the blood's hot, pouring out Mel's throat, her jacket unzipped to show her baby bump, you see Dina's lifeless face staring up at you. You swallow down bile and sobs. You wonder what he would've done. Would he have killed her, too?

Would he have felt this way?

You cannot separate your actions of war from actions of domesticity. You cannot separate Joel's bashed in face from the corpses you come across, rotting around the hollows of Seattle. You cannot separate the memory of Mel's death, the gurgles in her torn throat as the blood rushes out to coat your palms and quickly cools on the aquarium floor, from your Dina, her body alive and with a growing life within it.

Would Joel have forgiven himself? Swallow any guilt down like his bitter coffee, man turned soldier turned machine, a ruthless killer that settled down and sought peace. Would Joel see these horrors, just as you do?

Would he want this for you?

You cannot get his death out of your head, his screams and the sound of the blood spurting and Abby readying her weapon for the final strike-

You wake up screaming.

JJ wakes with you and starts to cry. Dina gathers you both in her arms and holds you close until the sweat dripping down your back cools, until your eyelids droop closed, errant thoughts soothed by the steady beat of Dina's heart within her chest.

The days continue. 

Once, Dina finds you curled up behind the chair in the living room, rocking back and forth and unconsciously digging your short fingernails into the skin of your forearms until there are jagged, bloody lines. 

Another time, you're standing in front of the stove, frying up some zucchinis and tomatoes from the garden, and then you're standing over Mel's corpse. You can smell the stench of death rolling off of her in waves, just like the small tides of her blood rippling out on the floor. The blood soaks into your canvas shoes.

You come back when Dina pours a bucket of cold water on the pan, some of it splashing against your shirt. Dina looks at you with concern and care, and you have to look away. At the bottom of the pan are charred black clumps.

The nightmares don't stop. Tommy comes around and tells you exactly where you can find Abby. You promised Dina you were done, that you were happy in the domestic bliss you'd found with her. You break that promise.

She promises you that she will not wait for you.

You can only hope that she will eventually forgive you.

Have you forgiven Joel?

And you're dunking Abby's head underwater, holding her weakened body there to suffocate and drown, all of your muscles screaming with exertion, the wound in your side most likely open and continuing to ooze out blood, the pain of the stinging cuts and scrapes all over your gaunt body only washed out by the adrenaline coursing through your veins. Abby scrabbles at your face, but you hold firm.

You thought this would feel satisfying. That seeing her continue to struggle, the life leaving her, would fill you with some sort of sense of justice. Of completion.

Instead, you're emptier than ever.

You blink and it's Joel you're holding under, Joel you're fighting.

You let go, and Abby violently comes up for air, heaving gasps that wrack her mutilated body.

You can't stop the tears that stream down your cheeks. Would Joel have killed her? Would he have needed revenge? 

Abby has the body and face of someone that has crawled through hell, that has seen all sorts of horrors and is but a broken person just trying to live. It's a reflection of you. In those final moments before you released your tight grip around her throat, were you better than her? An act of violence as reciprocity, a journey sought for the sole purpose of revenge. 

Was it worth it? Leaving with only one body underground, and returning with another? Leaving a trail of blood and death and destruction in your wake, acting as the judge, jury, and executioner for any that dared to cross your path? The blood will never wash from your hands. The memories will continue to haunt you.

And as the final piece sinks in, that killing Abby would never bring back Joel, a sob escapes your throat. She leaves with the boy, and you don't watch their boat disappear into the fog.

Was it all worth it?

Did you get your happy ending? Do you even deserve one?

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](https://itshomobirb.tumblr.com/) and [my twitter](https://twitter.com/homobirb)


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